People, Places and Things

These Days

I just recently returned home after taking the better part of a year living in Australia and traveling to different parts of the world. I fell in love with Australia and its people and culture. It felt like I found my second home. The easy going lifestyle and diverse peoples in the major cities reminded me of Vancouver. And the small artsy downtown of Newcastle reminded me of my own home town's downtown. 

The year before I decided to go on this epic adventure I had dropped out of my third year of university. At the time I felt like I was making the 'right' decision to leave school but when I moved home I remember thinking, "What have I just done!". 

I had stepped off the conveyer belt of university and into the unknown. I felt like a massive failure for not finishing my undergraduate as well as embarrassed. Being the youngest of four very accomplished older siblings is not an easy thing. Especially when you decide to quit school. Or at least change the direction of your life. 

I fell into a very painful and deep depression. I didn't want to see anyone. I wouldn't leave the house in fear of seeing someone I knew and having to explain why I am home and not pursuing my post-secondary education. I felt abandoned by God. Right before I decided to leave school I was crying out to the Lord for strength to finish my degree and when I finally made the decision to leave I felt like God had abandoned me and that He didn't care about me. I remember one afternoon, when I was trying to sleep away the day and crying and wishing that I could just die right there and not have to face another day, I heard in my heart the Holy Spirit say to me, "Anna, do you trust Me? Just trust Me. I know this is painful but I have a plan for you. Trust Me." I remember crying out to God and responding to Him and saying "God I am so angry with you! Why would you let this happen to me! No, I am not going to follow you anymore. I've been trying to follow you for my whole life and look where it's gotten me. I'm done."

And then that was it, from that moment on I didn't feel His Holy Spirit for about a year and a half. I finally came out of my depression and got a job at a local coffee shop. I began to win favour with my boss and became manager and received multiple pay increases. It was amazing. The entire time my parents and my older sister saw it as God's favour in my life but I just shrugged it off. I continued to live a very hedonistic life. I had decided to go my own way without God and see where that got me. To be frank, it got me nowhere. I was partying more than I ever had, using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain I still had in my heart. It was ridiculous. I barely recognized myself. 

And then something shifted, one of my best friends came home from a trip volunteering with a global Christian organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She had spent three months working in their kitchen at a base in Hawaii. Growing up I had heard about YWAM and the work they did all around the world and when I was in high school I had gone on a short term missions trip to Thailand and Cambodia which had completely changed my world and made my faith very real to me. But I always thought YWAM wasn't for me. And then I found myself wanting to go and volunteer with them. But I was already in the process of going back to school, this time to our local community college for a diploma as a Therapist Assistant. Looking back I am so glad I took the opportunity to go and volunteer at YWAM Newcastle in Australia. 

Once I finally decided that was what I wanted to do and got in contact with the YWAM base, I needed to work hard on saving my money so I could make this trip a reality. So I left the coffee shop to work at a cherry farm, where I believe God really started to soften my heart towards Him. I was surrounded by people who were Christians and whose faith was real to them. The walls that I had put up were slowly crumbling and my heart and spirit were becoming soft again. But I was still unsure about God and if He actually did care for me. It wasn't until I reached the YWAM base in Newcastle did I finally surrender to God and confess that I couldn't do it on my own anymore. 

I had been volunteering at the base for about two weeks before this surrender in my heart and mind happened. I had had many conversations with different people on base and it was during the bases annual base retreat when a man named Tom Hallas was speaking and he was sharing and said something like, "sometimes you just have to keep moving through the fog. When everything around you is falling apart our only hope is that in Christ Jesus." The words, "you have to keep moving through the fog" just hit me and I began to cry because I had just come out of a season full of disappointment and confusion and hurt because I felt like God didn't care about me. I had bought into the enemy's lie. I had let my circumstances and anger keep me from the one who could truly fix it all and heal my heart. I was brought back to that time when I felt the Holy Spirit say to me, "Trust Me, I know it hurts right now but I am here, just trust Me." I finally let go of my anger towards the Lord and let His Holy Spirit back into my heart. I felt real joy and freedom that I hadn't felt in the longest time. It was like my soul could breath again.  

Now, after being back home in Canada, I have had to fight again for my faith but this time it's been different. After doing a DTS (discipleship training school) with YWAM Newcastle, I learned so much about the character and nature of who God is and just how much He does care for us, even when we are going through incredibly hard circumstances and disappointments in our life. I am so thankful that I let God back into my life and heart and let Jesus' redemptive power change my heart and mind. I knew transitioning back to life at home would be difficult but I also knew that this was where God was leading me for a season. 

Since being home the Lord has been so faithful to me. I had been really keen to get involved with a skateboard ministry and for new friends here at home that had the same desire to see Jesus move in our city. Within a month or so I became a leader at Skate Life, a local ministry apart of Young Life, for local skateboarders. 

The past four months of living at home have been challenging and hard but so good. Before I left Australia I was worried about what I would do for work when I got home and a friend emailed me while I was still away saying they were looking for another barista at the coffee shop she worked at! I was stoked and emailed the manager right away with my resume and they got back to me and were keen to interview me when I got home. When I arrived home I went for an interview the next day and was offered the job! It was awesome. I also applied for a care-aide position at a home for adults with severe mental and physical disabilities and have started working there casually. I love the work and find it very fulfilling. 

And now it's early November and I'm preparing to go back to Newcastle, Australia for the month of December to volunteer on base again. I am so excited to go back and see so many friends that have had such a profound impact on my life. It will be an awesome trip and time of serving and reconnecting with people over there. And I am so thankful that God has directed my path this way and I wouldn't change it for anything.